I was at my shipping center smoking a cigarette in the back and I started walking to the car. I went to the passenger side of this ford focus and I looked inside and I said aloud “fuck, where did he (my dad) go now?!” then after I said that I remembered.. I walked over to my car and now here I sit.

To many emotional struggles right now. Idk how to deal with it all.

I had bad thoughts. And I’m starting to think I’m brave enough to do it.

I was about to buy my passport but then I realized I have a car payment and I wouldn’t have enough to pay for the rush fee.. Then I realized I get paid on Friday so I can pay for both but now I’m to apathetic to go back.. I’m trying motto exhaust myself.. The day before yesterday I haven’t eaten for a couple days so my manager forced me to eat something.. That did not sit well.. I’m pretty sure I have a eating disorder. This is high school all over again. I hate not eating. I freaking love food! Even if I could hold down food it hurt eating.. I just realized When I yawn I bruised around my jaw and and a couple spots on my head.. I hate my short temper..

Oh and great. This is why I avoid military places now. Exactly this fucking reason. Bumping into my dads friends. I don’t want to talk to them. Especially this one. My tongue is literally bleeding now. Out of respect of my father.. I mean seriously? I don’t care about the gay marine who kissed his boyfriend after deployment. I don’t want to hear your ignorant gay bashings. I know my dad didn’t like gays and I expect his friends to be the same way, sure. The difference is that I loved my dad. I don’t care about this guy. I don’t care you joined the free masons. I don’t care. My dad was of higher rank thank you. You may think your new title means something but it holds no credit to the military. You were an E5. My dad was a seal. Stop bragging.

Fuck humans. Fuck everyone. This is all bull shit. Fuck this car. Fuck this phone. Fuck my life. And fuck everyone who compares pain to starving Africans. Fck you. You can’t compare pain for it is experienced in different ways. Fuck love. Fuck children. I hate kids. Fck my annoying dog. Fucking eating all my cords. Fuck it. I hate my life.

Suicide club anyone? Wish finding clubs like that was as easy as in Japan. Fuck life.

Why?